Rebekah: Journey from sexual sin to salvation

Rebekah
I have not told anyone other than my parents and a couple of close friends...but I lost a baby when I was 21 years old. I miscarried. I had been with Tom for a while. We were engaged so we figured “Hey, we have waited 4 years”.


Me
That is a very sad confession, Rebekah.
How did your parents respond when you told them you were pregnant?


Rebekah
Well, my father was furious, but I didn’t tell them until after I lost the baby. I was only about 5 weeks.

Me
May I ask you a few questions?

Rebekah:
Yes

Me
Were you ashamed of your sexual sin? What about Tom?

Rebekah
I was...very much.
I am not sure about Tom.
I will be blunt and honest.
I didn’t feel like it was out of love.
It was out of lust,
and I felt like a whore.
It made me feel dirty and unforgivable

Me
That is very honest & I am thankful that you had a tender conscience.

Rebekah
My christian walk at that time was nonexistent.

Me
It is very sad & of course, common, for women to do what the guy they are with wants ... to keep them.

Rebekah

And he was not worth keeping.

I had fallen away...but I knew that God still had a hold on me because I felt horrible. I knew what I was doing was wrong.
Because I was told by God in His word it was Sin...

Me
What a blessing to have a healthy conscience, informed by the Word of God. So Tom has never asked you to forgive him for dishonoring you in that way?

Rebekah

Not at all. Even though I said I was sorry that we had entered into such a relationship and asked for his forgiveness...he had no remorse. It was a bad situation.

Me
That is very sad. How long did you sleep with Tom?

Rebekah
About 4 months
11:21am
Me
How soon after the first time you slept together did you become pregnant?

Rebekah
Not until the last month.
We split soon there after.
But God wanted me back.
and He showed me His wrath in every way. I finally sat in my yard in the middle of the night held up my hands and prayed to Him,
asking Him to please forgive me for my sin and that I NEEDED Him in my life again and WANTED Him in my life again.

Me
Thank You, Jesus, for the gift of repentance You granted to Rebekah.

Rebekah
I am sitting her in tears because I cant even begin to think of my life without Him. I lost everything...and as soon as I turned back to Him I was blessed
in so many ways. What happened really made my sin look undesirable when it stood next to the blessings that our Lord shed on me.

Me
I love the mercy & grace of Christ!

Rebekah:
Me too.
Without it...where would I be?!




Me
Amen, Rebekah. Amen.
Jesus is beautiful. His holiness & perfection are exactly what we are to be looking to & for instead of the vanities & pleasures & lusts of the world, our flesh & the devil.

Rebekah:
Well, it’s amazing but when we truly give our whole self to Him, He blesses us with the desires of our heart because we desire what He wants for us.
Our life is a little less hectic.
A little less scary.
I don’t mind being honest and speaking to a few about my past because it brought me BACK TO HIM!
My walk is so strong now. In fact, I have been very active in my church &
I am blessed with the best husband, who is a God-fearing child of Christ.
My testimony gives people hope.

Me
Your story is pretty glorious, Rebekah. Praise God for a godly husband! Sister, I believe that many girls & women need to hear your testimony. Please, with your permission, I would like to edit it post it as a note on my Facebook.

Rebekah
Patte, I wholeheartly give you permission. Maybe with my story someone will see and realize its not too late to turn back to the Lord.

Me
It would be an honor & a privilege.

Rebekah, do you have a scripture to share? Something that I could use along with the note?

Rebekah
Let me grab my Bible.

Rev 2:10 "Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer. Indeed, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and you will have tribulation ten days. Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life."

and ...

1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you except such is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."
There is much more to my story...
but, all I can tell you is the Lord is faithful, and LONGS for His children to come running to Him.
And when we do...He blesses us beyond our wildest dreams

Me
Rebekah, it is a sad reality, but not all people are His children. I am thankful to God that He worked in your soul to bring you to true repentance & faith. This only happens with a remnant of those who go to church. Not everyone who says; “Lord! Lord!” has been regenerated.
Saving you was His work. Salvation is of the Lord.
Do you understand that you may not have been a genuine believer (born-again) before that night?

Rebekah
Its true...
I had the seed in my heart, but it did not bloom until this all happened

Me
While you were taught from the scriptures & had a godly dad & step-mom, the Holy Spirit has to literally take out your heart of stone, deliver you from the kingdom of darkness (sin, Satan & the fallen world) & make you a new creation.

Rebekah
Yes. And I feel like that didn’t happen until all of this.

Me
I am so glad that you saw your sin as ugly & experienced the saving fear of the Lord & cried out to Him. I am rejoicing with you that God set His affection on you to make you a Bride for His Son.
Where would we be without Jesus?

Rebekah
There was one night a few weeks after the wedding was cancelled that I was praying for strength. I cried out to Jesus and told Him that His will was all I wanted and needed. I confessed that even if I didn’t like it in my flesh, I would do my best to obey Him with a follower’s heart.
And I swear it was like I had a huge weight lifted and I could breathe again.
A world of darkness and sin and the continuous torture of my soul was taken away.
My husband and I were talking about that the other day.
How forever is not a week long...it is eternity.

Me
Yes, the burden of sin is ENORMOUS! We are slaves of sin & Satan & our flesh. It's like the man in Pilgrim's Progress, who carried that weight on his back.

Rebekah:
Yes. That is exactly what I thought of
Me
Until we HATE our sin (which we love & cling to with all of our mind, emotions, soul & strength) we will not run to Christ, the Sin-Bearer.

Rebekah
Yes, I re-read that book shortly after that night. And I read Job.
That’s right ...and I RAN.
I RAN back to Him
and though I falter here and there...I am stronger than ever in my faith.

Me
That's why a lot of what I say when I am ministering to lost women is so HARD. I want to show sin in all of it's HORROR. I want people to hate it. I want women to understand how vulnerable they are to sexual compromise & degradation.

Rebekah
I am not perfect but I strive to be.
I am still young.
I am still learning.

Me
The righteousness of Christ is imputed to you at the new birth. He will be faithful to progressively sanctify you, Rebekah.
No matter how old we are or how long we follow Jesus, we are all still learning.

Rebekah
But the fact that I am learning means something.
The fact that I don’t make sin my way of life but learn to turn from it, by the grace of God.
When it came to my husband, he and I stayed pure.
There was that temptation, but to feel that shame again... I knew that
I didn’t want that.

Me
Amen, sister. Amen.

Rebekah
And I had grown so much. He too had fallen in his past, but had repented as well.

Me
Sin is such a LIE. It promises what it can never give. Lasting joy!
I am so thankful that you have a godly man to wash you with the Word & to prepare you to meet your eternal Husband.

Rebekah
Oh yes! The Lord blessed me with a man who lives by God. He understands what I have been through and he is a solid rock in my life.
My dear husband helps me live my life through Christ. Tom never did.
I was telling a friend of mine how amazing it is when you think love is true, and that happiness is real...but really its’s only when you have Christ as your CORE...in the CENTER of everything, that you finally get a taste of what true love and happiness really is.


Me
Happiness, real true eternal joy, is only possible through the new birth & the holiness that Jesus gives us the power to walk in.

Rebekah
Yes, but I THOUGHT I was happy with Tom. I really did. Then I grew. My eyes were opened. Now to see my husband and the godly man he is...his love for me is unconditional and I know I am truly blessed.

Me
The way of genuine, lasting joy is only found in the way of holiness through salvation in Jesus Christ.

Rebekah
The thing for me is that I wish I had not sinned, however, the Lord used this to bring me back to Him. I don't know where I would be without all that happened to bring me to my knees.
I know I would not be where I am spiritually.
I would be UNhappily married.
To a man that didn’t really love me.
And used me.
I would still be in darkness

Me
I know what you mean, but my prayer is always that the Holy Spirit would bring me to conviction BEFORE I sin & that my temptation & the shame of what I was THINKING of doing would be enough to bring me to repentance.

Rebekah
This is true and has become my mindset thereafter.

Me
Do you understand, Rebekah? We don't actually have to COMMIT the sin to be genuinely convicted & ashamed & struck by the guilt of being a liar, thief, fornicator, blasphemer AT HEART. We can repent for our inward sin even before we commit the sin outwardly.

Would you say that you were raised in a strong Christian home? Would you have identified yourself as a Christian at the time of your relationship with Tom?

Rebekah
Yes, I was raised in a Christian home (I lived with my dad & step-mom) and went to a decent Christian school. But, I also had the sinful influence of my birth mother. Constantly.
And through part of my life I used my mother as an excuse to rebel & to sin.
I don’t think I was a Christian at the time of my relationship with Tom.
I think I just knew what to say to SEEM like I was.



Me
Yes. Good for you to see and admit that you were justifying your sin, using your mom as an excuse. That's exactly what the Bible says that we all do in our sin nature. We like to think of ourselves as ‘good at heart’ & righteous. But, until we come to admit that while others may contribute to our sin, we ourselves are the guilty ones, then we are disqualified for the gospel. Jesus said that He didn’t come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. (Mark 2:17 & Luke 5:32) We have to know our personal need for personal forgiveness. We have to admit the crushing truth, that our sin is our responsibility & that all sin must be punished. So, either WE will be punished for our sin or we can cry out to the only One who can take our punishment for us if we will repent & believe the gospel.

Rebekah
I am just so glad that I learned and turned from my sinfulness...
I don’t ever want to have the uncertainty again. The fear of eternity in darkness.
My desire is to have my life filled with honoring and worshiping my Father.

Me
Amen, Rebekah! If you had to explain how your 'emotions' & 'needs' led you to be willing to give yourself away to Tom, what would you say? How did you 'feel' & what did you 'believe' at the time, as a false convert?

Rebekah
I felt because we were engaged and we were getting married, it didn’t really matter that much if we slept together.
And, also because of his sin of pornography, I wanted to be the one he was thinking of. I wanted to be the object of his affection. So I reduced myself to become his "whore".
That is honestly how I feel.
I felt dirty and like I said before...it was out of lust, not love.
And I wanted to "hold" on to him.
With the porn, I felt like I was losing him to someone or something else.

Me
Wow. That is so tragically common for girls & women. What was it about Tom that made you 'feel' like you loved him & wanted to marry him? And, can you explain how you & Tom had the determination NOT to sleep together over all of those 4 years?

Rebekah
Well, I think at one point Tom really did love me.
At the beginning of our relationship, we had Christ in the middle
But, as time went on our focus turned to the flesh. It wasn’t on Christ.
We both knew in our hearts it was wrong, but I think when we were so close to the wedding, we just gave in.
Plus, another reason I resisted sleeping with Tom for so long is that I didn’t want to disappoint my father,
both earthly and heavenly.
With having such a messed up past, it was wonderful to have the sense that someone love me. But i feel like it was all a lie.
Looking back on it, there were so many signs the Lord kept trying to give me.

Me
Like what?

Rebekah
Well, from the very beginning his parents did not like me.
Right up to the day he left.
And the porn thing.
He was obsessed
and poisoned by it.

Me
How did you find out about the porn?


Rebekah
The history on his computer.
I confronted him.
It wasn’t until after he left me that he confessed he never stopped,
though he told me all the time that he had stopped.

And then, the main big flashing red light. When a friend of ours slept with a girl that Tom knew from school (and mind you this was AFTER I had a ring on my finger, but we had not slept together) Qhen I told Tom about it his reaction was,...and I am going to be blunt and quote him....
"But I wanted to be the one to F*%& her."
Those words broke my heart.
I didn’t talk to him for about 2 weeks.
And I thought about calling off the wedding.
But, in my stupidity and immaturity I forgave him. Within the next few months is when we started sleeping with each other.

Wow. That was really hard to relive that. Remembering him saying those words to me...still stings.

Me
I can imagine ... It is a painful betrayal ... but also, a blessed revelation of who Tom really was. And, of course, how sad that you wanted to hold onto him. We are so naive, foolish & our sin nature prompts us to do degrading things 'for love'.

Rebekah
It’s true.
And what was harder was looking at myself and seeing that I had NO self worth at all anymore. And, honestly, I am still struggling with that.
The feeling of not being confident in what I do.

Me
It's interesting, Rebekah, that you are speaking of self-worth. If we understand the length that Christ went to save wicked UN-WORTHY sinners like you & me, we can see that it is not really a matter of our worth, but Christ's.

This gives us freedom IN HIM to see ourselves in truth & release our all to Him.


Rebekah
Yes. You know, I realized something while I was on a trip recently.
I came upon this incredible scene of rugged beauty, with a road in the middle of it. I looked at it and thought:
“God chose to create me.
He took the time and made everything perfect in His eyes
and He chose me...our CREATOR.”
That makes me worth so much more than I can even fathom.
I have to remember that He gave His Son’s life so that I can be clean.
So that I can be forgiven
What wonderous love!

Me
That is very true & worth weeping for joy over.
Rebekah, have you ever read Ezekiel 16? It is the story of God's looking at His people & taking pity on them. Not because they were special, or beautiful or deserving or worthy, but because of His own goodness & love.

Listen to God’s Word beginning at verse 5:
“On the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to make you clean, nor were you rubbed with salt or wrapped in cloths. No one looked on you with pity or had compassion enough to do any of these things for you. Rather, you were thrown out into the open field, for on the day you were born you were despised. Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, “Live!”
It is God's own pleasure that He looks upon us & by His grace, He speaks LIFE into us & then He beautifies us with holiness.

Rebekah
Wow.
I wrote a song to the Lord. It’s called,
Breath of Life

Lord you make me stronger. Lord for You I hunger.
Without you I don't know if I can breathe, just breathe.

Because You are the breath that allows me to live. The breath of life.
And all that I am or will ever be, is because You were by my side.

You are the breath of life, in me.
You are the breath of life, to set me free.


Lord, I know I'm imperfect. A sinner I will ever be.
But, by Your blood I am set free and washed clean, just washed clean.

Because Yours is the blood that allows me to live, the Blood of Christ.
And all that I am or will ever be, is because You were by my side.

You are the flame, that consumes all of me.
You are the flame, of the fire so deep.

Mold me. Make me thirst for You.
Mold me, into what You want me for you.
I surrender all my heart. I surrender all of my life.

Because You are the breath that allows me to live, the breath of life.
And all that I am or will ever be, is because You were by my side.
Because You are the blood that allows me to live, the Blood of Christ.
And all that I am or will ever be, is because You were by my side.

You are the breath of life, in me.
You are the breath of life, to set me free.
You are the flame, that consumes all of me.
You are the flame, of the fire so deep.